Drugs and I. *TRIGGER WARNING**

It’s certainly interesting when people find out I’m a drug user, (I don’t have specific drug of choice, it all depends on my mood, ranging from H, to acid)

Some people are surprised, some denial, and others, well I have lost “friends” to say the least.

Regardless of their reaction, and their judgment, they all ask the same question, which is usually blurted out in nothing short of confusion and curiosity, maybe even some care?

Some assume, that I self medicate, or that I want to die, want to hurt myself, that I hope I overdose.

Some assume it’s pure stupidity, not that I disagree with that assumption.

Up until recently, I also found it difficult to explain, especially because I don’t use in a party setting very often, it’s regularly by myself, which also lead to their confusion, and fuelled the assumptions that I was trying to hurt myself, or self medicate.

Unable to give an acceptable answer as to why, I would just always say no. Especially if they asked if I was planning on stopping, which made them assume I was a hardcore addict.

Sometimes I would agree, that I am addicted, not to a specific drug, but for what happens, which makes little to no sense for someone who hasn’t used.

So, I decided to put serious thought into it, not just so I can explain myself, or maybe justify my actions to others, but to understand why I do it.

I’m not trying to hurt myself, even though I fully understand the dangers, the risks, the damage the various drugs I partake in can cause, I don’t want to use drugs to kill myself.

I don’t self medicate with drugs, I’ve been down that road, and from my experience, it made living with Bi-polar extremely worse.

I’m an addict in the sense, that I enjoy it, I don’t need it to survive, to function. So after going over my answers, and questioning myself as I do best, I realised..

I do drugs, because I like to lose my mind. I enjoy feeling out of control, or a different version of myself, not because it provides artificial happiness, because it provides me with a moment where I can see things from a different perspective, I can think, without judging myself, or bullying myself. Different drugs provide me with different emotional thought processes, and euphoria, but they all provide me with a sense of losing my mind.

I can understand that my reasoning may not make sense, I don’t expect people to understand, until you live a life where your own mind is your enemy, it can be releasing to lose it.

Which is peculiar, because while I love the high, I prefer the come down, where the drugs are leaving your system, and the high is passing, my body may ache, but I feel myself coming back into reality, with what I can relate to as, a fresh of breath air. Allowing my mind to get lost, and give me momentary peace and artificial happiness. I find myself more capable to see the “good” around me, I feel I appreciate myself, and things more, even if it only lasts a day, or a week.

I could almost use the analogy, that my brain is a battery that has gone flat, all I need is a jump start, and I am able to perform for a little while longer.

I know, someone out there reading this, is probably not making any sense of my answer, and that’s completely okay.

We all have something that helps us get through the day, but even more so at night.

PLEASE NOTE
While I am expressing my personal opinion on my drug use, I do not condone drug use, or am I making an attempt to glorify it.

If you feel like you are dependant on substances, it is okay to seek help. Your life is important, and while I am sharing my thoughts on my personal use, do not think that the same process will happen to you. Drugs are illegal and dangerous. I am aware of the damage I am doing to my body, and if you are not a user, the damages are not worth the risk of hoping to reach a state similar to mine. Drug addictions can ruin your life, and turn a bad situation into a worse one, so whatever you are going through, please know you do not need to rely on substances, there are people who care, and people who will help. Please understand that if you are not a user, it is certainly not worth the risk, and while I enjoy it, and continue I do wish, I never started.

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12 thoughts on “Drugs and I. *TRIGGER WARNING**

  1. narcopathcrusher says:

    I feel the last paragraph was written just in case someone accuses you of promoting drugs. The whole post is a glorification of drug use. I have told all those kinds of excuses to myself too in the past since i am a recovering addict and i have to say posts like this one, not only don’t help but serve as triggers. It is your blog and your choise to present drug use as something cool but have the balls to admit you DO promote it.

    Like

    • Yes. But it’s MY glorification, and I have no problem with enjoy it, and my opinions on it.

      And I understand why you’re messaging, and I’m not willing to get into a “debate” over it, because you and I don’t know each other.

      While I love fucking myself over, I don’t actually want to see someone else life be put in a position of danger, but I guess that’s just being a manic depressive, but you do have a completely valid point.

      And as for the aspect of it serving as a trigger, I hope you realise that it wasn’t intended either, and I’ll include it in my heading next time, to ensure it’s a “read” at your own risk.

      We are at different stages, you have taken the correct steps forward, I’m not a simpleton, i know I should be doing the same, but if we are going to talk about having balls to admitting something we doing, you are right, I don’t have the balls, I don’t have the balls to say I want to quit, or even makes those steps.

      Liked by 1 person

      • narcopathcrusher says:

        This is a very disarming and interesting answer. I appreciate you took the time and effort to read carefully what i wrote and answer! You gained one more follower (who takes it one day at a time)!

        Like

      • I’m not at your stage yet, and I doubt I will be for awhile, it’s a big step, and it seems terrifying.

        Yes, but you played a part in that, because you obviously have realised what other people haven’t – that it’s okay to have a different opinion.

        You had the opportunity and the grounds (due to the potential tigger) to “attack” me, and you didn’t, which is nothing short of respectful.

        Thank you for following, I followed you before I saw this comment, now, back to stalking your posts. :3

        Like

  2. I too, admire your honest and your bravery. I used to get a lot of crap off people and sometimes still do online because I like to smoke the puff on the odd occasion. Therefore I commend you for being forthright here.

    Like

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