I’m frustrated and only my actions provoked it, and I’m disgusted at myself because I did the right thing.
It all started this morning, I was casually creeping around the internet, looking for something new to listen to, and I came across an artist called Angel Haze, called “cleaning out my closet” now I just assumed that she was doing a cover of Eminems’ track, so I downloaded it.
Once it has downloaded, I messed around a little, because you know, I might get a once in a lifetime deal on eBay, on something I do not need at all.
Pressed play on the song and hearing the exact same music as the original, and it lead me to believe that my assumption was correct.
I was so fucking wrong
I was fine until the details, she went into so much fucking detail, that I could smell that smell that fucking lingers.
Then I just lost control. I think fight or flight kicked into gear, because I do not understand how I got into the kitchen, and was vomiting all over the floor, like the pig I am, which surprisingly isn’t even the reason why I’m mad.
The rage only started once I realised that I acted out of fear, because of the words.. In a song. So I then proceeded to start trashing my house, which made me completely fucking lose it, and I instantly decided that I needed to hack myself for being the biggest fucking simpleton imaginable, continuing my path of bullshit destruction on my way.
It was only until I was standing in the mirror, glaring at my reflection with nothing but disgust and hate, did I finally have a moment to catch up with what was actually happening.
I was no longer angry, I was fucking terrified, so I spent most of the day in that in that spot on the bathroom floor. I didn’t hurt myself, if I’m entirely honest, I just sat there and cried, like a baby.
Once I pulled myself together slightly, I walked back hot into the kitchen, and was able to fit together what the fuck I had just did, and I just started cleaning before anyone came home and started asking questions, and I would have to provide answers that I just did not want to answer at all, and they would make a mountain out of a mole hill, and I had that handled just fine by myself.
Any other person would have calmed down in the hour and half I spent cleaning up after my own idiocy, but it just allowed me to get angry again.
Which, this might sound fucked up to you, but I was angry that I didn’t really fuck myself up, I was shitty that I buckled and laid on the floor, when I should have probably just ended it then and fucking there.
Which caused me to be my own worst enemy,(again) and it frustrated me more because logically, I knew the silliest thing would have been to harm myself. I could safely use the analogy “angels fighting with devils” comfortably, and the only way I could see this being temporarily fixed was to sleep, so I took four Xanax and curled up under my childish leopard print blanket.
It’s been serval hours since I have woken up, and I still don’t understand what happened, all I know is when I heard her rapping, with perfect descriptions, I smelt it in a more precise way than she could ever express in a rap.
I’m still confused and annoyed, because I have been in situations that have been considered triggering, and it hasn’t provided anything other than different levels of uncomfortable.
I thought typing this out, and being able to see it in front of me, and maybe see it from a different perspective, but no I’m still angry.
But, what’s even worse than my rage, is that I am scared.
I don’t know how to handle myself, I haven’t felt this scared in a long time, I don’t know how to cope with myself, or even fully understand what happened.
WARNING I am not exaggerating the length of description used in the song, so if you decide to listen to it, be careful.