Bipolar ll.

I had this saved as a draft. I wrote it a week ago.

I am so sick of hearing people tell me that “bipolar two” isn’t as severe as “normal” bipolar, because you have absolutely no clue.

Okay, it is true. My hypomanic episodes aren’t as server, or as frequent, but they do actually happen. I’m not just “really sad”.

Just because I don’t have as hard of a hypomania, doesn’t mean I don’t get them at all. I experience it differently, I feel revived, I talk a lot, I feel this underlying urge to by anything that’s completely fucking useless to me. I once spent $5000 on a van. Why? It was cheap, and I was excited to be the owner of a van. (Yes, you can laugh, I do now) That was when hypomania was an extreme moment, and hilariously brought on by anti-depressants.

At first, I was misdiagnosed, first with depression, which I might add, the times I wanted to die the most, was with those anti-depressants, then I was diagnosed with “normal” bipolar, but after a small number of hypomanic episodes, the black hole that was my mental state, just never started to feel a small moment in time where I was impulsive and happy. My ratio of “highs and lows” is completely fucking retarded. The high never seems to come, and when it does, I’m sucked back into myself again.

I can barely notice a “high” anymore. It’s much more subtle.

What’s worse than having type two bipolar? No one in my family has it. I can’t blame anyone, there are only small cases of mild depression, oh, and one cousin had schizophrenia, but he ended up losing his battle, that was my first experience seeing death, actually seeing it, feeling it. I wish I could point the finger, drop down to their lever and blame them for my life, but I fucking can’t.

I feel like I’m being made a mockery of, like I’m not allowed to be in the club of crazy, I’m so sick of CBT training. It’s not working, it’s not magical and amazing and awesome like I’m being fed. I can’t just flick a switch and change how I perceive everything. Shut up.

I’m sick of being on lithium, it’s fucking old, there are other proven and much newer medication that I could be trying. I literally have no idea who I am anymore.

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4 thoughts on “Bipolar ll.

  1. narcopathcrusher says:

    Those people don’t have all the mummins in the valley. Why do they need to copmare bipolar two and normal bipolar to begin with? are we in some misery contest? What you feel is unique because every person is different and the same illness can manifest in different ways. Unless someone is a licensed professional (and even then don’t take what they say TOO seriously) don’t let them diagnose, compare and offer unwanted shitty advice. As for knowing who you are, if you want my opinion it is very overvalued. From your blog i see clearly that you THINK which is something very few people do nowadays. Keep thinking, ignore those who spread confusion like fog machines and the answers will come!

    Like

    • Misery context! Yes! Once again you are completely correct – I couldn’t find the words. It literally feels like it. I really don’t understand it. I don’t want to be like this, it is not a “gift”

      I can’t believe I found a person who actually gets it. You are one awesome woman.

      Liked by 1 person

      • narcopathcrusher says:

        Thank you for saying so. But when it comes to being different because of a disorder, illness or addiction i think most people choose ignorance and stay there for good. No matter what we say to the so called normals they won’t be persuaded. It happens to my real life too and in a tremendous extent. But you, and other people want to talk about those matters and get it and even if it’s online i value it highly. If you want my opinion, speak to only those you think are open to new ideas or viewpoints. Ignore the ignorant by choise peasants. Needless to say my blog is always open for you ^ ^

        Like

      • You literally make me smile. Your honesty (even if it’s hard truth) is something that brings me comfort. I spend too much time hearing bullshit.

        And you are completely right, I think that’s what makes your opinion so valuable to me, because you are open to knew ideas, thought processes. You are an astute and intelligent woman.

        Like

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