I had this saved as a draft. I wrote it a week ago.
I am so sick of hearing people tell me that “bipolar two” isn’t as severe as “normal” bipolar, because you have absolutely no clue.
Okay, it is true. My hypomanic episodes aren’t as server, or as frequent, but they do actually happen. I’m not just “really sad”.
Just because I don’t have as hard of a hypomania, doesn’t mean I don’t get them at all. I experience it differently, I feel revived, I talk a lot, I feel this underlying urge to by anything that’s completely fucking useless to me. I once spent $5000 on a van. Why? It was cheap, and I was excited to be the owner of a van. (Yes, you can laugh, I do now) That was when hypomania was an extreme moment, and hilariously brought on by anti-depressants.
At first, I was misdiagnosed, first with depression, which I might add, the times I wanted to die the most, was with those anti-depressants, then I was diagnosed with “normal” bipolar, but after a small number of hypomanic episodes, the black hole that was my mental state, just never started to feel a small moment in time where I was impulsive and happy. My ratio of “highs and lows” is completely fucking retarded. The high never seems to come, and when it does, I’m sucked back into myself again.
I can barely notice a “high” anymore. It’s much more subtle.
What’s worse than having type two bipolar? No one in my family has it. I can’t blame anyone, there are only small cases of mild depression, oh, and one cousin had schizophrenia, but he ended up losing his battle, that was my first experience seeing death, actually seeing it, feeling it. I wish I could point the finger, drop down to their lever and blame them for my life, but I fucking can’t.
I feel like I’m being made a mockery of, like I’m not allowed to be in the club of crazy, I’m so sick of CBT training. It’s not working, it’s not magical and amazing and awesome like I’m being fed. I can’t just flick a switch and change how I perceive everything. Shut up.
I’m sick of being on lithium, it’s fucking old, there are other proven and much newer medication that I could be trying. I literally have no idea who I am anymore.