It’s certainly interesting when people find out I’m a drug user, (I don’t have specific drug of choice, it all depends on my mood, ranging from H, to acid)
Some people are surprised, some denial, and others, well I have lost “friends” to say the least.
Regardless of their reaction, and their judgment, they all ask the same question, which is usually blurted out in nothing short of confusion and curiosity, maybe even some care?
Some assume, that I self medicate, or that I want to die, want to hurt myself, that I hope I overdose.
Some assume it’s pure stupidity, not that I disagree with that assumption.
Up until recently, I also found it difficult to explain, especially because I don’t use in a party setting very often, it’s regularly by myself, which also lead to their confusion, and fuelled the assumptions that I was trying to hurt myself, or self medicate.
Unable to give an acceptable answer as to why, I would just always say no. Especially if they asked if I was planning on stopping, which made them assume I was a hardcore addict.
Sometimes I would agree, that I am addicted, not to a specific drug, but for what happens, which makes little to no sense for someone who hasn’t used.
So, I decided to put serious thought into it, not just so I can explain myself, or maybe justify my actions to others, but to understand why I do it.
I’m not trying to hurt myself, even though I fully understand the dangers, the risks, the damage the various drugs I partake in can cause, I don’t want to use drugs to kill myself.
I don’t self medicate with drugs, I’ve been down that road, and from my experience, it made living with Bi-polar extremely worse.
I’m an addict in the sense, that I enjoy it, I don’t need it to survive, to function. So after going over my answers, and questioning myself as I do best, I realised..
I do drugs, because I like to lose my mind. I enjoy feeling out of control, or a different version of myself, not because it provides artificial happiness, because it provides me with a moment where I can see things from a different perspective, I can think, without judging myself, or bullying myself. Different drugs provide me with different emotional thought processes, and euphoria, but they all provide me with a sense of losing my mind.
I can understand that my reasoning may not make sense, I don’t expect people to understand, until you live a life where your own mind is your enemy, it can be releasing to lose it.
Which is peculiar, because while I love the high, I prefer the come down, where the drugs are leaving your system, and the high is passing, my body may ache, but I feel myself coming back into reality, with what I can relate to as, a fresh of breath air. Allowing my mind to get lost, and give me momentary peace and artificial happiness. I find myself more capable to see the “good” around me, I feel I appreciate myself, and things more, even if it only lasts a day, or a week.
I could almost use the analogy, that my brain is a battery that has gone flat, all I need is a jump start, and I am able to perform for a little while longer.
I know, someone out there reading this, is probably not making any sense of my answer, and that’s completely okay.
We all have something that helps us get through the day, but even more so at night.
While I am expressing my personal opinion on my drug use, I do not condone drug use, or am I making an attempt to glorify it.
If you feel like you are dependant on substances, it is okay to seek help. Your life is important, and while I am sharing my thoughts on my personal use, do not think that the same process will happen to you. Drugs are illegal and dangerous. I am aware of the damage I am doing to my body, and if you are not a user, the damages are not worth the risk of hoping to reach a state similar to mine. Drug addictions can ruin your life, and turn a bad situation into a worse one, so whatever you are going through, please know you do not need to rely on substances, there are people who care, and people who will help. Please understand that if you are not a user, it is certainly not worth the risk, and while I enjoy it, and continue I do wish, I never started.