Today. I watched another of my friends make the choice to walk out of my life.
I don’t blame her, she has lasted longer than my other “friends”.
And I have probably treated her the worst, I showed her a world that she didn’t have a clue of. She walked into my life as an innocent beautiful soul, and the memories I have given her are nothing short of traumatic.
I’ve let her see me run in front of a car, but she still sat and held my hand in hospital, even while I screamed at her to just let me fucking die, she sat there as hard as stone.
I hate myself for not seeing the changes in her that I caused, I hate that I couldn’t see that I was having an impact on her life, where she had to stand there, in front of me today, completely broken and exhausted.
They always use the excuse that I am impacting on their life, and they don’t want to leave, but they have to think of themselves too. I never believed them, but I felt every single word she chocked out, she crumbed in front of me, I felt lifeless as she said that she isn’t finding her days happy anymore.
When we first met, she was that ball of love and life, kind of person, nothing would bother her. Everything was truly beautiful in her eyes.
I changed that. I know it’s my fault, she said, that she needed to step away for awhile, because she was forgetting to look after herself, and it wasn’t a decision she had just decided today.
She has been fighting for me, over herself for over the last year and a half, and she can’t do it anymore, she said it’s stupid to let two people burn, and that she is no longer good for me.
Everything she said, was all about me, apart from needed to leave me, it was still about what would benefit me. She said she can’t help me anymore, no one that needs help them-self, can help me. We will be both fighting a losing battle, and with that she ran, hysterical into the car that dropped her off, her friends maybe? I don’t know.
I wish I could find the words to tell her how sorry I am, not because she needed to walk away to help herself, but because I just hurt her, when all she ever did was be there for me.
I wasn’t a good friend. She was nothing short of a perfect friend.
I wish before she turned around that I said I didn’t want her to go, I wish I could tell her that out of everyone that has ever walked out of my life, she has been the only one that I wanted to stay, the only person I thought would never walk away, but I couldn’t, I’ve been selfish the whole time I’ve been her life. I wanted to just drop to my knees at her feet and beg for her to not go, but her staying near me isn’t helping her, for once in the whole time with her, I had to stop being selfish. I just wish I had realised that I was being selfish sooner.
Why do we only have sudden realisations when something is taken away from us?
I tried to call her this morning, but it wouldn’t ring, so I sent a text, just a thank you message, telling her that I understand her reasoning, and I understand how hard that must have been for her, and thanking her for being the beautiful amazing person that she is, but the message just failed instantly. When I tried to send it on Facebook, and other social media. I was unable to search her name, or see her profile through mutual friends, I guess she just had to make sure that I didn’t try and convince her to stay.
I wish I wasn’t me, not because the last person that considered me a friend walked out of my life. I wish I wasn’t me because I pushed my only true friend to feel that she needed to, so she can help herself. I hate myself for not seeing that it was having an impact on her. I hate myself because I made it so she had to make that choice.
I wanted to be angry at her, like I was with everyone else, but I couldn’t, I can’t and I won’t.
I was leaning on her, without ever realising that she need to lean a little on me. I wasn’t there for her like she was for me.
Why couldn’t I fucking see, that maybe I needed to ask her if she was okay. Why didn’t I ever fucking ask.
I pushed her to make a choice between me and her own self, and she had to fight with that decision, she chose me over herself for so long, until she just couldn’t anymore.
She had to make that choice, knowing that I would be hurting myself because of it. Or maybe she didn’t? Maybe she had been pushed so hard by me, that I convinced her that I don’t love her, when I did, I do.
All she ever wanted to do was to stop me hurting, and I never stopped to make sure that she wasn’t hurting, or to take a moment to maybe think, how I affected her.
How the time, she popped over to my place to see if I wanted to go out, because I wasn’t answering my phone, walked through the unlocked door to see that I was passing in and out of it after taking a cocktail of pills and hacking myself up.
Why was I so selfish that I didn’t even think how traumatic being around me at times would have been on her.
I’ve been fighting with myself since that moment about hurting myself.
I deserve nothing, but to be alone.
I want to torture myself, I want to really hurt myself, I want to just end it, but could you imagine how she would feel? I just don’t want to hurt her anymore.
I can’t let myself lose today, because she doesn’t deserve to feel anymore pain because of me, and she will think it’s her fault, and it’s not, it’s all completely mine.
I’m not even halfway through the day. I’m trying so fucking hard and I’m already exhausted, I just can’t hurt her anymore, and this will just hurt her again.
I want to get high, but I know that I’ll just convince myself to do it. There’s nothing I can do, but deal with the fact that I am a disgusting human being.
I hope that one day, if I get a little better, that I can have the chance to tell her how much she meant to me, and that her needed to be away from me, hasn’t made me think less of her as I have with others, it’s made me hate myself more, but also love her harder.
If I get through fighting with myself, I am capable of being comfortable alone. I just hope she is going to be okay, deep down I know I’m fucking poison, so I deserve to be alone, but I hope she has everything in life that she ever needs or wants, because she deserves nothing short of a beautiful life.
I’m sorry it took so long to realise how important you are to me. I wish I treated you like the way you treated me.
I hope without the burden of my presence, you can be comfortable and find your happiness again, you deserve it.
And if I can make it through today, and maybe get better and be a different person, maybe I can be a better friend, and you can come back and be my friend again, I would try a lot harder to let you know how much you mean to me.
I don’t think it’s going to happen like that, just I hope you aren’t being too hard on yourself.