What is rage. ^trigger warning?

Rage.

Everyone’s felt it. Everyone will probably feel it again. Some might share the same rage experiences, others might differ.

Rage for me, is something I’m used to, no that’s I lie, I’m still not used to it.

It starts in my bones, my hips, specifically, they ache, and in like one ironically graceful movement, my head will turn, like I’m trying to release the tension building in my neck, I’ll often exhale loudly.

It’s like a warning sign, that a beast is building inside my body, and screaming inside my head. I lose all patience, I grind my teeth out of frustration.

I try to suppress it, push it down deeper, so deep inside of me that I’ll have a little control.

It only makes me rage more when I realise that I’m only sitting on my bed, nothing is happening, nothing is triggering me, that confusion fills my head, causing me to lose the fight against myself.

I’m irritated at my own presence. Someone is shouting at me to stop, but I’m all alone. I feel like crying because I can’t control this emotion, building momentum inside of me, clawing it’s way to my skin, tearing holes in my body to escape.

I’ll want to scream as I slap myself in the head, my hair entwining between my figures as I pull on it, fighting to not rip it completely from my scalp.

I try with all I am to just count.
1, 2, 3 I will never make it to 10.

My whole body is aching, screaming, I want to lash out, I want to hurt myself, I want to hurt anyone in my presence.
I want to break anything and everything that my trembling hands can reach.

I try to suppress it, I’ll hit myself, I’ll hurt myself. I fight with all I am to stay away from anyone.

But, I just can’t control it. I just snap. I explode, so quickly from the inside out, my heart starts racing, I feel like I’ve just injected a shot of meth into my arm, like I’m indestructible, my hands no longer shake, my nails dig into my palms as my fists form, as they blindly connect with any object in my path. Everything I destroy is so sickly satisfying, to the point, where I’m sexually craving the same treatment from someone else, I want hands around my throat, the centre of my sexual need, completely abused.

My throat is burning from my screaming and my verbal abuse at inanimate objects.

Then, it’s black. Everything feels black, I fall to my knees as I feel the adrenaline no longer pumping through my veins and I just fall into myself. The pain starts.

My head body, my body aching, the blood, the things I’ve destroyed, tears will stream down my face, my body trembling as guilt and shame begins to cover me, like a blanket. Hiding my body completely, consuming me again, with another emotion, caused by myself. I hate myself more. That voice starts whispering, to just give up, just end it. I feel scared, no, I’m terrified. Just laying there, listening to my heart, my head, plead with me to just end it all.

That’s, that’s what rage feels like to me.

I’m scared to let people stay near me. It happens so quickly. I don’t feel like myself. I’m not even sure who “myself” actually is.

Selfish bitch.

When I’m talking to people, I’m flooded with messages, calls, IM’s from social media asking for my advice.

I, for starters have no fucking idea why they ask me, most of them literally don’t listen, then proceed to message back, admitting they wished the had of listened.

Secondly, all I do is ask them questions, and awkwardly jump to an option that seems different, but realistic and favourable in my opinion. It’s basic logic. “No, don’t go have sex with the girl that cheated on you”

But, I guess I’m selfish in the sense, that not a single person asks me how I’m doing, if I’m okay, maybe I need advice? Maybe I what someone to just “talk” to.

Being a friend is usually defined as

a person with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically one exclusive of sexual or family relations.

The roles of a friend, usually include – your personal mental health saver, friends act as your personal therapist. Who you mostly likely tell your dirty secrets to. You know that you can go to them for advice and for perspective on a situation you are facing. Friends should defend you, stick by you, and always have your back, they should be consistent motivators, supporters and companions, and in my case, thought provokers.

But, what so you do when it’s obvious that it is one sided? Obviously, they aren’t considered a friend, because the personal gain is purely the point of focus. Should two people share an individual personal gain from a friendship, or is it just something that we have just come to expect from another person?

Is it because we are selfish? Am I selfish? How do you categorise a relationship between two people, which only benefits one? Would an outsider looking in consider the relationship as one side being used by the other?

Why do I put so much fucking thought into this shit?

Some might even say, that I am a good friend, because I provide all the right ” qualities” a friend is expected to process. Maybe, I could argue, that my friends are just bad friends?

I’m fairly certain that it’s just me. It usually is.

I don’t even know anymore.

I think about death, so much, I’ve tried to end my life, and I have no doubt that I will again, and maybe one day, I won’t be so useless.

Or, my time will come naturally, either way death is a part of life. Even though the thought of death often fills my mind. I’m terrified, even though my fear is decreasing, I hope it never stops.

It’s ironic because I’m worried no one will remember me, I haven’t done anything remotely worth remembering. The world will keep spinning and the people consumed in their lives will keep on living, which is hilarious because it’s what’s happening now. I’m so confused about myself. What am I doing? Where am I going? WHAT AM I EVEN THINKING?

It’s like, I was born backwards. It’s like it’s a one-way-street, everyone is going in the right direction, sometimes making a few wrong turns, but getting back on the road, while I’m being pulled, kicking and screaming by something that I can’t see or comprehend, sometimes just letting it drag me, others, I’m grabbing to people, begging, pleading.

It’s like I have this inability to communicate, like being born backwards is making me talk backwards, no one is understanding me and they are just looking at me confused before they move away or leave. They always leave.

Posting what I was feeling used to make me feel, now the only thing I feel is numb. I have no energy. My body is tired, my mind is exhausted. What’s the point of talking if we cannot even speak the same language. I cannot even say I have lost my will to fight, because I don’t even think I had it to begin with.

I do not wish for someone to understand, my body aches at the thought of this, simple because, if you can understand me, you feel it, live it, too. Which is upsetting, because I don’t want anyone to hurt. I want to see people smile, even though I’m not included.

It’s bittersweet to be dragged down, while I’m accepting my fate, I feel comfort in knowing that, someone, any face that is looking right through me, is feeling life. 

Everyone believes in something. I believe in hope, it’s what gets me through the day, but even more so at night.

I hope that I never lose hope. 

Question!

Are you frightened or curious about the future?

For me, my curiosity is frightening.

How I’m feeling today.

Get my fav quotes into you.

Episode.

So, I’m coming out of a episode, finally. It felt like forever and it’s only been a short amount of time, (hence my inactivity)

I was starting to convince myself that I needed to buckle down for the longhaulbro.

I’m finally able to hold a conversation now, without saying “what?” “Huh?”
It’s frustrating when people give me this mean girls impersonation of a stink eye when I haven’t been listening to their melodramatic story. My mind isn’t elsewhere, it’s just blank.

Black, completely empty. Exactly how my body is feeling, nonexistent, it’s aching, but there’s just nothing inside.

Psychologist is annoying me. Asks the most idiotic questions, then gets offended if I ask her if she is a simpleton. I’m not a sociopath.
Just because I’m going through a phase of literally not giving a fuck about people, doesn’t mean I have something else “wrong” with me. Open your text books, try again precious.

Maybe, I’m a little bit of a bitch. I don’t know. I’ll care tomorrow. Maybe.

Apparently a study that happened recently showed that being a night-owl means that you have some kind of mental illness. So, how crazy are you?

Anti-vaxers and social media, who’s really listening?

After recently finding out there is an anti-vaccination movement, being a vaccinated woman; I decided to, rather than assume my position on “my” side of the fence, curiosity killed the cat, and I stepped out in to the battle field, hilariously enough, on social media.

So with an open-mind and a thirst to quench my curiosity, I found serval groups, forums, pages, that we Anti-Vax, which I will not name.

Things were fine at first, I was learning and understand the reasons that anti-vax supporters make, and surprisingly a heavy and consistent influx of pro-vac supporters, insulting, degrading anti-vax members. I was completely shocked and appalled at some of the verbal abuse they were receiving, their personal lives being attacked, accusing them of wanting THEIR OWN CHILDREN to die.

Stop. Just stop

Do not get me wrong, some anti-vax supporters met their abusers with the same force. It is not one sided, but it was frequently provoked.

I was horrified and disgusted that I was a pro-vax supporter, so I expressed my “vaccination status”. Commenting that I was disgusted and humiliated that none of these human beings were being treated as they should be.

(Note – not every pro-vax supporter used bullying, aggression and pure hate to discuss their opinion; and the post is purely based on those who did. I also am very aware that it happens on both sides)

I was honestly shocked at how I was then treated by some anti-vac supporters, only some. To some, it was like I turned into a disgusting human being, and then no matter what I had to say, even if in their defence, I was no longer important, or had the right to comment.

Some were much more polite, just explaining that it was my lack of knowledge which was the deterrence.

Others went as far to accuse me of putting a lot of effort into making a mockery of the whole situation, and my interest and willing-ness to learn was purely fake.

So filled with rage, I took my ball and I went home. Having my first experience and opinion of anti-vaxers, and I most certainly was not impressed, I actually considered believing pro-vac statements of ignorance found commonly in the anti-vac community.

(Keep in mind, I never once argued about their choices, questioned the authenticity of their information. When I say I went in with an open mind, I truly did)

But mostly, I was angry and quite let down, that I wasn’t “grabbed” by the anti-vac community and bombarded with information; they were given a fresh mind to help understand,
And they completely turned their backs.

Feeling undefeated but still determined, I found another group, a little smaller group, still harassed, but fired back differently. I was able to have adult conversation, and ask questions with very few people questioning why I was there, but instead of being met with anger, tension, disgust.

I had people defend my right to be there, encouraging my need for understanding the anti-vac movement.

I also noticed now they handled little “attacks” from pro-vax supporters, some were quickly brushed off, because it was obvious that they were fed an opinion and were running with it, some were factual based, and those replies became a debate of facts, which were always fascinating.

This selected part of the anti-vac community had figured out who was actually worth their time, rather than just fuelling an argument over social media.

So while maintaining my information-food crusade. I began to watch how it was decided who was worth listening to, and replying to.

So, I created a list on how to keep your sanity as an anti-vax on social media.

Stop fueling the stereotype
– You are often referred to as an idiot, and a simpleton, that lack education and repels science, stop allowing them to continue to use that to their advantage because you “couldn’t take it anymore” and you dropped to their level and started degrading them too.

Do not feed the trolls
Some people are just looking for a fight, they really don’t give a fuck about being pro-vax or anti-vax. They just want to see people get angry and act like a fool. These people are easy to see. Don’t fall into it, they are always going to be “right” and they only want to piss you off for their amusement.

An example of someone who is just being a troll is comments like “my child needs “blah” medication in order to survive, should I just stop taking them and let my child die?”

Don’t even waste your time, don’t feed them. They will only succeed at making you look like a bad person or an idiot.

KNOW WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT
A good, and well informed anti-vax supporter will provide details and show where they got their information and statistics from.

Regardless if the person agrees with the information, just being able to provide it, shows that you understand and know what you’re talking about (although they will most often just say it’s wrong, it’s fiction, ignore it, they still read it)

Do not simply believe something because another anti-vax said it, that only keeps the idiocy and misinformed information circling.

Know when to walk away
If you start to feel like you’re playing chess with a pigeon. You are. Walk away, don’t persist, you’ll just go in circles. Don’t be proud, yes they are going to think the have won because you “back away or can’t answer” because that’s how they will always be, no matter what you say, even if they are wrong.

Just remember, chess with a pigeon will always go like this.

He’ll knock all these pieces down, shit all over the board and still fly off like he has won. Not worth it.

understand why YOU are anti-vax
No, seriously. It’s not something you can just choose casually one day, and then take it as you now have the right and responsibility to represent the anti-vaccination community on social media. That will just get messy, really quickly.

You should be confident in your decision. You should be able to tell anyone (only if you what to, you do not need to explain yourself)

The risks/rewards/reasons, not only for taking on the social media assassinations, but for you.

friend or foe?
Take the time to realise that there are people like me, that ask questions, and get involved to understand the anti-vax movement, don’t sit back and complain about being the minority, the bullied, the people that aren’t understood.

A victory is a victory. No matter how big or small, regardless if they stay pro-vax or become anti-vax. You still had to opportunity to help someone understand what you’re fighting for, or debunk silly pro-vac myths. Take it. That’s one less person in the world that is going to run around saying that you “choose death over autism”

Now; since I spent the time understanding I have finally made a choice on what side I want to support.

Both.

I support the right for people to vaccinate without judgement. I support the improvement and availability of vaccinations and immunisations.

And as with anti-vaxers. I also support their right to do so without judgement, I support their opinions without any accusation about them putting my child at risk.
The only thing I would like to happen as soon as possible, would be the promotion of anti-vax information without being completely biased, available to communities and the general public, even if it doesn’t encourage parents to be anti-vax, it still will stop them fearing a plague instantly spreading overnight and killing off the country, because one child at school isn’t vaccinated.

Well. That’s my take on it. Comments are open.

Note. I’m not a blog that talks about this kind of stuff, and I highly doubt I will again.

A #selfie

So, I thought that I would allow my followers to see what look like, if they choose.

Here goes.

Ha, this was the only picture I could find, where my facial expressions didn’t make my face resemble a bucket full of smashed crabs.

and my eyelashes are falling off.

I will not comment on anything else, because what I see, and what you might are going to be different.

A perfect stranger.

A progress update.

When blogging for my own mental health, and exploring my thoughts and emotions was first suggested to me, I rolled my eyes. I can barely speak a word that I’m thinking, without the possibility of myself sounding like a simpleton.

I know what I want to say, I think about it, but it’s almost like the words come out backwards, or in slow motion. I don’t know. It’s hard to explain, and probably harder to understand.

But anyway, since attempting to blog to help my expression, my mental health. I have honesty met, well spoke to, the most amazing people that have ever graced my presence.

From a young age, I, personally was taught to hate a perfect stranger, to assume the worst. Everyone is guilty until proven innocent, but one thing blogging has shown me, is that I was completely wrong. There is such thing as a perfect stranger.

And what I mean when I say “perfect stranger” is someone completely unknown to me, meaning that their persona, their raw beauty, is perfect. It’s only until we communicate when we make first impressions and understand their personality.

I was so consumed in my own opinion, of what I thought everyone was like (yes, I categorised) that I never gave myself a chance to get to know someone, because I never allowed them the opportunity to prove me wrong.

But, following the selection of blogs that I do, reading them, commenting, thinking. I started to realise, that I was the one stopping my own progression, I was hurting my communication. I was mentally hurting myself.

A blog I follow, has been the only thing I have ever experienced that allowed me to provide relatable and understandable information that was surprisingly education about my mental health, allowing the strain I cause on my family to decrease.

Having a text book, and clinical facts isn’t always a way someone is going to be easily able to understand the information given to them. Until reading this specific persons’ blog, I was convinced there was no other words or ways the information can be delivered. I’m so thankful that this person, let themselves be raw, and shine a light into a dark place.

I frequently spoke to a woman who was a sociopath, who completely blew my mind, with nothing but brutal honesty and intelligence, helping me open my eyes to situations that were clouding my head, she is a constant support network for me, and I value every inch of advice, criticism and respect she provides for me, which she did, not because she thought she had to, because she wanted to. I’m forever thankful for the kindness of this woman, I’m not sure if she knows how much she has helped me understand the situations I face.

Another opinionated blog I really enjoy, not because of his popularity, because of his honest, confronting and real posts. All thought, aside from a few comment replies, we have never really spoken well enough for me to learn something from his personality shown in his communication, the subject with his blogs provide enough.

He shows me a personality trait that I seriously lacked, free-thinking.

For those that are wondering, Wikipedia defines free-thinking as (below)
Freethought or free thought is a philosophical viewpoint which holds that positions regarding truth should be formed on the basis of logic, reason, and empiricism, rather than authority, tradition, or other dogmas.

His brain is always ticking, I’ve barely read a post before another one has been written, all differing in topic, size and opinion, and I am completely in awe. I was completely blinded to the fact that logic and reasoning should be large factors in my opinions, this blogger also showed me, (over the times I stalked his communication with his followers) that it is possible for two opinions to be different, one person isn’t always necessarily correct, or incorrect. I know, this may seem logical and simple to you, but my brain functions differently.

Also, I have a follower, that is a beautiful soul, that has showed me that it is completely possible to care about someone you have never met. If she asks me if I am okay, I feel nothing but sincerity, and she cared about the answer. I just assumed that people asked if you were okay, to seem polite. It wasn’t heartfelt, and the answer wasn’t important.

While it may seem silly to you, that these perfect strangers have provided so many life lessons that I should already have, I know, and I understand.

I lacked the guidance and understanding to learn these simple things.

I can feel my being becoming a better person, all because strangers allowed me to see into their lives, exposing themselves in their blogs, unintentionally providing me with valuable information that I was greatly needing, and the best thing? Some of them don’t even know how they have assisted in changing my life. They were just being them, being perfect strangers.

My opinions have the human mind, and the kindness of people have completely changed. I no longer assume that someone unknown is guilty until proven innocent, and I also believe that everyone has a lesson to teach, we just have to ask the right questions, and look in the right places.